Adults Cannot be Abandoned

The fear of loss is a path to the dark side. – Yoda

January twenty-one, twenty eighteen

“The abandonment of self is the loneliest you’ll ever feel.”

If there’s a childhood history of actual abandonment (physical or emotional and especially around age 2 or before when we’re forming ourselves), the loss is so great that as we grow we search for that part of ourselves in others.

As we naturally attempt to establish what we in the biz call ‘a sense of agency,’ or what real people call a sense of self, we form ourselves based in the reflection of our caretakers. If one or both, or all of those who are assigned to help us grow up is unavailable emotionally, or limited in experience with being mindful enough to our needs, or were never around at all or enough; they’ve left us, and we, in turn, leave ourselves.

It is then and consistently afterwards that being left, not considered or abandoned becomes a fear. A genuinely horrific and ever growing fear in which we place meaning. As humans we must make sense of things. So this first “unknown” this initial loss, which becomes the “hole” within ourselves that we spend a lifetime trying to fill, ‘means’: “I’m unworthy of anyone sticking around.”

We find ourselves “attracted” to people, situations, and circumstances that repeat this established dynamic of being left. Forgotten…not considered.

When people leave (and I mean everything from moving away, to leaving the room without saying something, to actually dying), we are left with the FEELING of being lost. Empty. With losing ourselves. Abandoned.

HOWEVER, in reality, they are just moving on or forward or to their next feeling. But for those who have actually been abandoned as children, we experience loss, disappointment or someone else’s mood shift as if we’ve lost a major body part!

Healing happens when we emotionally go back in time and allow that original abandonment to be mourned (yup, feelings!). Those vulnerable feelings must be validated. Viscerally. Only then can a reparative experience occur and only presently healed can we participate in a future we desire.

Until then, we literally (Not ‘like literally’) But LITERALLY stuff our feelings with food, minimizing our hurt with jokes, or filling the emptiness with toxic people, places and drugs.

That initial loss has us pushing away what we really want and deserve: Connection, Intimacy, Acceptance.

Heal the original, actual abandonment, release the current holding in, stuffing, avoiding and minimizing hurts by having the courage to have those feelings validated….(by someone objective and most effectively a professional), and our self-structure, sense of agency or sense of ourselves is reformed, healed! Aaand in the most exciting ways, you will not recognize your current life.

With this kind of inner-hard work, we can better tolerate loss and disappointment, and we are able to move forward and achieve all we were meant to and were holding ourselves back from. 

Words, Words, Words… By Dr. Maya Angelou

Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Nothing will work unless you do.

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life’s a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick ass.

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.

History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Without courage we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.

A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.

Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.

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