F Happy Tears!

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” – Sigmund Freud

January forteen, twenty eighteen

There is no such thing as “happy tears.” It’s an oxymoron to be sure. But it’s not possible to express happiness by shedding tears. Tears are produced as a result of sadness. Sadness is about loss. When there is loss in our history and when we cry, that loss is at the forefront of our psyche. Joy or happiness is expressed in many different ways. None of which is with tears. To be joyous is to be satisfied. To express to others how content we are with that given situation.

“Then why good sir, when I’m happy or filled with joy, do I weep? Why when I am elated with joy am I instantly moved to tears?” The answer, reader extraordinaire, is in the question.

Imagine having a history of great loss, sorrow, disappointment. Those experiences are very painful and who wants to sit in or remember that? Well, consider that in order to not be stymied with a life just full of grief, our mind (psyche) “takes care” of us with those protectors… (insert booming echoing voice): The Defenses!

Defenses like suppressing those sad feelings or minimizing them with a quick, “other people have it worse.” If we aren’t emotionally strong enough in experience (not ability) or self aware enough to know what’s happening with our own mind, our defenses will take over and any loss (especially the big ones), will be suppressed.

Suppressed until we become self aware (Therapy plug!), or until we experience the joy of NOT having a loss, consciously.

With each joyous moment, we are instantly transported back to those actual losses. During the happiest of times, we unconsciously recall that this joy has been a long time coming, and as we’re happy, we also cry. Two separate feelings experienced at the exact same moment, commonly known as “Happy Tears.”

This often confusing experience is a wonderful opportunity for us to recognize that all emotions and feelings (especially contradicting ones) are actually happening at the same time. We cannot control how we emotionally respond to something. We can, however become aware that there is a difference between what you feel, and what you do with that feeling.

We can handle them. We can tolerate them. We can accept and manage them. Why? (Good one!)…Because it’s reality. Feelings don’t have a timeline. They come up when they are good and ready.

It’s up to us to allow them to be expressed, communicate to others what they mean to us, and allow them to inform us before we react or respond behaviorally. THAT we CAN control. We just need help at times with it that’s all. 

Words, Words, Words…

“Feeling real is more than existing; it is finding a way to exist as oneself…and to have a self in which to retreat for relaxation.” – D.W. Winnicott

An optimal marriage:

Entails two adults who, without too many disruptions, reciprocally share in admiring one another’s styles of expressiveness and expansiveness; take comfort in each other’s soothing; have a sufficient mix of common qualities, interests, and beliefs; encourage one another’s verbalization of feelings and experiences; reckon with and tolerate inevitable disappointments; and utilize their own strong feelings as signals that indicate something to explore within themselves, instead of becoming fixated in blaming their spouse for their disappointment.

If you don’t transform your suffering, you will transmit it.

Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go.

Each emotion is a signal from your soul. When you ignore or repress emotions, you lose important information.

It is not until you have the courage to engage in human relationships that you grow.

“And the day came for the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin

The way we talk to children becomes their inner voice.

The creative adult is the child who survived.

Dr. Maya Angelou:

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

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